“You stupid fucking idiot. How could you not realize? Why didn’t you see the signs?”
These are the words that have been on repeat for several days. When I learned a group of people I had put in so much of my trust and confidence for this new phase in my life went ahead and yanked the rug from under me. I feel lost, motionless, a ship adrift with no sails nor motor nor any lifeboat. Lacking all hope and direction, aimless.
Idiot. Stupid. Fucking r*tard.
I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. I should give myself grace. But this whole incident has been one brutal reminder. That no matter how hard I may try, no matter how much I mask, no matter how much small talk I make, or situations I rehearse in my head, or education I receive, or posts I read online warning me about scammers and charlatans; I will never be just okay. I will never be like them. I will never be able to read a room and see the red flags for what they are before it is too late. I will give the benefit of the doubt endlessly until it bites me in the ass.
My anger should be redirected. It should be towards those who would seek to hurt me, hurt those like me. The kind but naive, the brave but foolish, those who believe in the best and fall for their gimmicks, who try and try again to seemingly no avail. But I can’t help but feel a pang of resentment towards myself. I should be smarter, I should know better.
How could I be so stupid?
A cursory glance online reveals I’m not the only victim; these people have weaponized psychology to both a science and an art. I’m but one of millions. I’m grateful that the only thing I’ve truly lost is a brief stint of time; there are those far more unfortunate that have lost money, family, and their livelihoods to scum like this. Still, I can’t help but feel that I’ve lost something far more valuable; my self-respect and esteem. I’ve always prided myself on not falling for propaganda; to be above the influence of con artists and frauds, be it politics or faith. I see now, in my desperation to jump start change in my life, that the promise of a shiny new job path to serve as a foundation for my future hopes and dreams has crumbled; all that glitters is not gold.
I’ve spent the past three weeks healing and taking space for my emotions. Too much has happened besides this incident; I’ve had to grieve in more ways than one. Funerals, job security, applications, precious items lost; my life this past month would be overwhelming for even the most well-organized, put-together neurotypical person. I will move past this, that I am sure. I’ve been through worse and somehow always survived. If anything, it has been a kick in the right direction for another life dream tangentially related but important nonetheless. I am excited to get back into writing; this blog, my stories, and more. But one more night of tears and a hot bath might be needed after I hit ‘post.’
Earnestly yours,
R
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