Today was the first productive day I’ve had in weeks. I finally deleted the 900+ unread emails in my inbox. I responded back to some text messages from friends and family. I reached out to the wedding planner and venue regarding payment plans. I reauthorized my insurance credentials for my private practice. All in all, it was mostly just clicks of buttons and reading screens. But I’m trying to remove ‘just’ from my vocabulary in this context of minimizing achievement. I’m trying to accept that any and all action is a step in the right direction. I’m learning to live with the fact that my body needed to sleep for 16+ hours for several days in a row. That I couldn’t keep up with my old job, even on a part-time schedule. That I’ve been burning both ends of the candle since New Years, and at some point, my body and mind were inevitably going to give out.
I’ve accepted that I’ve been doing a lot; too much, even. Trying to launch a private practice speech therapy business, and all the joy that comes with getting credentialed with insurance, and building a website, and making social media pages, and advertising. Presenting my voice acting panel at conventions. Making time for social obligations like going out to shows and friends’ birthdays and my DnD groups. Helping family; whether it’s giving rides to and from the airport, hosting people overnight for funerals, and booking flights for others’ travel plans. Planning my upcoming wedding and coordinating everything with vendors and the venue, building an ever-changing guest list, and wrangling the bridal party. Helping my father-in-law with video editing on his work project. Trying to maintain a diet and exercise routine. I knew the new year was going to bring a lot of challenges, and I was feeling stuck at my former job, so when a new management company took over, I switched from full-time to per diem/PRN status so I could take some days off and work less, with the intention of accommodating my other responsibilities.
That quickly did not happen.
I have a hard time with boundaries, and an even worse time with control. I feel the need to say yes to every favor asked of me, and the need to micromanage every detail of a project I’m involved in. Call it ‘detail-oriented’ or something. Combine this with my executive dysfunction, and it is a recipe for looming disaster. Suddenly, I’ve bit off more than I can chew. The first sign things were not going to go well was the communication from my old job; the boundaries I established were quickly bulldozed as they repeatedly asked if I could come in every other day, then every day. What became a few treatments here and there became travel between 3 buildings with 8+ hours of treatments and evaluations, Monday thru Friday. I told myself I needed the money, which, to be fair, I did and still do. But I could feel my energy sapping, my focus on my other projects fall to the wayside. I stopped following up with insurance credentialing. I let ads run without responding to inquiries. I stopped posting to social media after my initial rush of motivation drained out.
Then came the sleepiness. I upped my caffeine intake from 1 cup of coffee a day to 2. Then 3. Then a whole pot. Then Alani energy drinks on top of that. Yet I still yawned all day, crashed out early, and couldn’t drag myself out of bed willingly in the morning. The brain fog grew worse, and I noticed my eyes were shutting even behind the wheel of my car. Any focus outside of my immediate job was lost; I couldn’t watch my favorite shows or play my favorite games anymore. Any attention to wedding planning, or my in-law’s video editing project, or social media, or my private practice was eviscerated. I was skipping the gym and skipping meals, yet somehow I stopped losing weight and even went back up a few pounds. You would think an extra 4 kilos in 4 weeks would be a wake-up call, but at that point I wasn’t awake; rather, just going through the motions of life in a heady, drunk-like daze. Speaking of drunk, the only thing that could get me to sleep was a nightcap of rum and Coke, triple shot. Otherwise I’d lay awake all night, staring at the ceiling in a fitful, restless stupor.
The penultimate straw was the overdrafts on my bank account. I’m pretty savvy about autopay features for my bills, but between my dwindling savings and unchecked expenses on ads, along with a rate hike on my car insurance and some unexpected requests for help from others, I started cowering in fear of the notifications about my empty account and overdraft items. In total, over $200 in 6 separate instances over several weeks. Not the worst thing in the world, no; but not good by any measure either. I felt shame. Shame that I couldn’t manage my money. Shame that I couldn’t manage my responsibilities. Shame that I couldn’t manage my life.
Later that day, the dishes piling up and the mountain of dirty clothes both toppled over, shattering some plates and the last of my sanity. I felt myself clocking out of reality. I smelled myself and realized it had been two weeks since I bathed. Then that night, I got an email from my boss; the new company never processed or received my updated clearance paperwork, so I wasn’t allowed to come in until that was done. She wanted to make sure I was getting it done the next day. I never responded.
I stopped responding to everyone.
For 5 days straight I rotted in bed. My partner knew something was up, but I kept deflecting the conversation as “I’m sick,” or “Just a headache.” Sometimes I’d be able to binge-watch YouTube videos, but the rest of the time was a restless sleep. I felt so guilty, so ashamed, yet so tired. I didn’t want to do anything anymore. That was when the infamous algorithm took a hint and recommended something I didn’t want to see but needed to hear; a video on how to handle burnout. Not just any burnout, but autistic burnout. The kind of burnout that leaves someone crippled for months, maybe years. Where not just employment, but all activities of daily living become burdensome to the point of disabling. Where the only cure is unmitigated, unapologetic, unashamed, unabashed rest.
I immediately went down a rabbit hole of similar videos on the topic, and that evening I had a heart-to-heart with my partner. I couldn’t keep juggling everything anymore. I knew I had been burning out to some degree since around October, when I knew I wanted to quit my job, but I never gave myself the opportunity to actually rest. I jumped right into trying to build a new business while still giving my old job full-time work, and sacrificing every weekend for 10 weeks straight to commit to other people. I couldn’t do it anymore. Even the fun stuff was draining. Luckily, he was understanding. Most people have been. I’ve done a hard quit with my old job; told them I cannot commit anything to them anymore. They’re not happy, but they understand, and learning to disappoint people with my ‘no’ is a valuable skill I’ve lived without for far too long. My in-law’s project has been put to the back burner, and he’s been very understanding. I’m prioritizing my rest, and my business. I’ve reached out to the insurance companies to begin the credentialing process again, since most of my applications have since expired. I’ve spent the better part of two weeks just sleeping, taking care of myself, and letting others handle things. My partner has taken over the wedding planning for now. The chores are slowly being done again. I feel the fog slowly lifting. I’ve even started feeling my creativity come back, writing on here and other pages to help motivate and discipline myself. The weight is slowly coming off again as I put simple walks back into my daily routine. I’ve blocked out the upcoming weekend for doing absolutely nothing.
I think this has been a transformational experience in more ways than one. At the height of this burnout and the start of this recovery, I turned 30. My partner and his sister planned a weekend getaway and I didn’t lift a finger. There were some hiccups, but we survived and had a good time. I need to learn to let others handle things for me. I need to learn to ask for more help. And I need to learn to say ‘no’ far more often than I currently do. I’ve had to embrace the idea that I can’t do it all, not everything, not everywhere, not all at once. At least not on my own. I also need to accept that if I don’t give myself a break, my body will breakdown for me. Cliche, I know, but it is true. The body does keep the score, and mine was screaming from the penalty box, or whatever sports metaphor works here. Our modern world demands too much of us and provides too little in return, and when you’re neurodivergent, even more so. I have to work with my brain, not against it; what is optimal for me is probably lazy by society’s standards, but if society is in the wrong then I don’t want to be right. I reject hustle culture and productivity, because these arbitrary measures of capitalism will literally kill me if left unchecked. I encourage you all to do the same.
