TW/CW – mention of attempted su*cide
I intend for this post to be a little different from the more poetic/prose writing I’ve posted since starting this blog a few days ago, so my apologies in advanced if this type of writing does not end up being your cup of preferred tea. I do plan on posting more creative writing based on my experiences, but I also want this space to be a venue for sharing lessons and engaging readers in dialogue and discussion about both mine and your travels on this road of life so far. That being said, I do feel the need to share at least some of the inspiration for starting this blog in the first place…
I was always a ‘weird’ and ‘awkward’ child. I could not fathom how people made friends, and spent many a lonely day pacing the blacktop during recess by my lonesome self. Books, and later the internet, became my escape. Maladaptive daydreaming during class became my norm. I was smart, or at least smart enough, to breeze through most classes; math was always my sore subject, but enough luck, hard work, and sob stories to teachers who either cared too much about my mental health or not enough about following rigid grading guidelines per district policy meant I passed with just enough to keep moving up grades/years. I look back on my youth and I can say with blunt honesty that I do not miss childhood in the slightest. Early childhood is a blur; middle school was torture; high school was a notable improvement (I did make real friends for the first time and began building an identity around actual interests) but it was a shadow compared to myself now. Some days I mourn the past I did not have, and other days I give silent thanks I’ve moved beyond that time, but I never once wish to go back. University (or at least undergrad) was much of the same story; I did have real friends, made genuinely positive memories, and continued forging a personality into existence. Some days I do miss college, and there are times I would go back to relive a specific moment if I could. But on the whole, while an improvement from my secondary school years, my tertiary life is not something I typically wish to relive continuously; rather, I appreciate the time for what it was and hope never to go back.
As I’ve grown older, I now realize that is NOT the case for many, dare I say most, people.
Most people (in my experience) look back on their adolescence and young adulthood with a deranged fondness, trying to reclaim a lost glory when life supposedly peaked. But what do you do when you feel like your life wasn’t great at that time? When you can still remember the nights you wanted to end it all. When your brain would tell you on loop you were unloved and unfit for existence. When you could barely function to crawl out of bed and brush your teeth, let alone write a 20-page term paper with references cited, or put in five back-to-back 10 hour shifts at your local cafe or retail shop to scrounge for meager wages supporting rent and a booze addiction?
If you are like me (and let’s be honest, if you’re reading this blog, you probably are) then the above might sound a bit familiar. Executive dysfunction for activities of daily living? Check. Inability to engage with peers in socially-appropriate settings outside of shared special interests? Check. Getting lost in a fantasy world of your own creation because the real world is too difficult and sensory overwhelming to confront? Yep, check. This blog is for all of you out there, the wasted potentials, the ‘pleasures to have in class’ that grew up to be disappointments, the barely-surviving. It took a full-scale mental breakdown and suicide attempt during grad school, psychiatric hospitalization, and almost getting kicked out of my masters program a year later that finally got the doctors to diagnose my neurodivergence and help me begin the process of understanding that I’m not (completely) broken, I’ve just been having to survive a world that wasn’t designed with me in mind. This doesn’t lessen the trauma, or rid the emotional baggage, or wave a magic wand to make everything all right. But it was the important first step to finally start healing and learning who I truly am and who I am meant to be.
I want this to be a space where people who are struggling can find a reason to hold on. A place where people can feel seen. Where they can better understand themselves, whether they’re just beginning this journey, or have been traveling the neuro-road for years and need a pit stop. It took my life falling apart at age 25, a true quarter-life crisis by definition, to start the process of actually growing up and learning who I am; if there is even the slightest chance I can help someone do the same for themselves by giving them a safe space here, I feel obligated. Strangers in the psych ward made that first space for me, and I want to pay it forward.
I’m not an expert by any means. I’m still young and new on this journey (I turn 30 in a few months). I still have a lot to learn about myself and the world. But I want to do it with you lovely people. And I do like to think I’ve made some progress in the few short years since my crisis; I’ve gotten married to a loving and wonderful, equally neurospicy and nerdy partner; I’ve succeeded in completing school and getting one career off the ground and functional; and I actually wake up most days happy and grateful for my life. It’s a miracle what some psychotherapy, prescription drugs, and healthy outlets can do for the mind and body. I’ve even recently started letting myself dream bigger and wilder than before, feeding ambitions for future life goals that once seemed like an impossibility.
All this is to say, if I can do it, so can you.
I truly believe with the right supports, anyone can accomplish their goals and life a happy, meaningful life of love and purpose. If this blog can be one of those supports, however small, then let it. And if there is anything I can do for you, do not hesitate to ask. It was the kindness of strangers that saved my life, and the kindness of strangers I want to provide others. So if you have a story from your life you want to share, please feel free to share it here. If you have ideas for posts, or a direction you’d like to see this blog take course, please let me know. And if you need some advice, or just an ear to listen, I’m here for you. Let’s build community, and let’s build something earnest in this brutal, beautiful world our brains have to navigate.
Yours Earnestly,
R
For my personal reflections, click here
For my unhinged neurodiverse life hacks, click here
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