7 interviews in 36 hours
My head swiftly cocked and eyes blinked in disbelief as I scrolled through the email.
Congratulations for making it to the final round! Your next interview will occur on Wednesday, December 3rd at 10:00 am EST, where you will meet with the senior hiring manager and several other members of our team. Please remember to dress professionally and come prepared with additional questions. Use the Zoom link below!
I swiped up to close Gmail and looked at the time and date on my home screen. Wed, 3 Dec. 11:47 am.
Fuck.
The past 36 hours had been a whirlwind. 7 interviews for 3 separate jobs. Entry-level sales. Multiple rounds for each. One demanded I drive 45 minutes one-way through a winter storm of sleet and hail on I-95, and spend $30 on parking, for 10 minutes of an introductory shakedown. Not even a tour of the office or a glass of water offered. The rest, thankfully, Zoom calls. But still. The turn around time was intense. The expectation of being immediately available for follow-up phone calls and draft responses. Catching an attitude when I told them I was still working a full-time job and might not be able to step away at certain points of the day. The one company tried to schedule a second round during a time that was already taken by another, and when I explained that, the HR rep had the audacity to ask me if I could reschedule the first company. Sorry, but first come, first served.
The audacity.
The audacity is what I’m learning this week I need to have. Need to be successful. It’s not the most talented people who succeed, or the hard-working, or the most privileged. It’s the most brazen. Sure, privilege goes a long way, and some talent and good work ethic can narrow the gaps considerably. But there are plenty of mediocre people who have pulled themselves up by the bootstraps by forcing their way into life, not taking “no” for an answer and putting themselves out there regardless of the consequences. In a way, it’s admirable. It’s also off-putting, annoying, and frankly a bit disgusting. But all my other tactics up until this point haven’t worked as well as I’d have hoped, so I guess it’s time to shift gear.
Be brazen. Be bold. Be audacious.
I think about how I can respond to the email. I’m sorry, I completely missed this! I was confused because my one email for another company said 10:00 am Central time, which is 11 where I’m at, and I must have mixed up your time in my head with theirs. No, too stupid and verbose. I forgot to check my email! Irresponsible and lazy. I don’t actually want your job but I’m desperate for a change in my life and sent out 100+ applications on LinkedIn and you happened to be one of the first to bite. Too truthful. Instead, I feel myself consumed by the analysis paralysis. The same one that has me ignoring an email from a part-time job for two weeks now about a missed background check for medical clearances because I forgot I scheduled the appointment for before work instead of afterwards, and so forgot to set an alarm. The same paralysis that has me second-guessing my clinical judgment on when to discharge a patient from services. The same paralysis that keeps telling me I can ignore my upcoming wedding plans until after the holidays, even though my sister keeps hounding me for details about the bachelorette party.
It’s hard to be audacious with purpose when your brain is naturally awry.
It’s times like these the denial slips away. Just a brief second. I feel myself transported back to the psych ward, where the doctor told me I had undiagnosed ADHD and signs of other issues I should get checked out, of course only once when I was back on the outside and not trying to kill myself. Until then, some Prozac and Seroquel to stabilize me, some Wellbutrin to perk me up, and some Strattera to calm me down. That was four years ago. Things have changed since then. I’m doing much better. I finished grad school, got a job, moved in with my fiancé. Life is good. There’s no way my brain is a mess. The psych ward was a one-off, a fluke. I take the meds because it’s routine, but I can stop at anytime and feel okay. The lies I tell myself, the thoughts I keep repressed, just to make the days go by. I’ve been drinking more. The Ozempic curbs the worst of my appetites, but even the magic shot can’t completely taper my taste for the bottle.
It’s hard to be purposeful with life when you actively try to numb yourself from it.
I keep these thoughts from everyone. I don’t need my family and friends worrying about me again. I don’t want my fiancé to panic, bless his heart. I don’t want him to see just how fucked up I can be. I know consciously that life is a roller coaster of emotions and experiences, and that it’s okay to change and evolve and make new decisions, and even regress a little at times. Doesn’t make it any easier to swallow the emotional pill. So I trudge forward. I’ll find a new job. I’m proud of myself for lasting this long. Two years at the same workplace is a new personal record. And being the speech therapist at a nursing home has its perks and fun moments. But the burnout is real. I don’t want to see thickened liquids or a memory book ever again if I can avoid it. I’ll probably feel different in six months. Nostalgic, even.
Nostalgia, maladaptive daydreaming, whatever you want to call it. I’d rather live in my thoughts on the tightrope between a past I mourn and a future I wish, then put in the effort to make the present, well, present.
And I know that’s not good.
So that’s why I’m writing this. My thoughts, my hopes, my fears, my past, my dreams for tomorrow. Maybe it’ll resonate with some of you. I’m open to feedback. Send me praise, send me hate mail, but send me something. I’m tired of feeling aimless and ungrounded. I know the surface level answers; more therapy, less alcohol, more gratitude, less attitude. But easier said then done when your brain doesn’t work for the way the world is built, and you’ve been repressing those thoughts and beating yourself for not being more normal.
Screw normal. I’m forging a new path. And I’d love for all of us to share how we got on the paths we’re on today, so that we can all be a little less lonely in this great ride called life.
So send me your thoughts. About me, about yourself, about the world. I’ll do my best to complete regular, weekly updates on this site. Some posts might be advice, some might be anecdotes, some might be just fun and sad stories I feel like sharing. But I want this to be a collaborative endeavor. I want this project to belong to all of you as much as me. A project for the people. I have a masters degree in communication sciences and disorders, so I think I’m at least somewhat qualified to write, curate, proofread, and edit. I’ll work with you on any finer details of your submission if you want, polish it pretty, and post it here for all to see. Maybe one day this will be popular enough that it becomes my main thing, and there might be money involved, and actual publishing opportunities for all of you. But for now, it’s just a casual thing on the side to try and ground me, and maybe some other people, into accepting themselves and charting a course for a better life.
So send me your thoughts.
Yours Earnestly,
R
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