I refuse to be a wellspring of eternal sustenance, quenching the thirsts of others without ever giving a second thought to my own need for replenishment. I will not let my energies drain, pouring into cups that won’t pour back into me. There is no place in my world for relationships that do not support my growth or challenge me to do better; there is no place for vampires that seek to only rob me of the life force I’ve worked so hard to nurture and cultivate. I cannot, will not, allow this thievery to be facilitated on my watch.
I used to believe my only worth was in how I could be of service to others, and to an extent I still value and cherish that believe. There is something positive, noble even, to be said of devoting oneself to the causes of justice, love, and championship of others in our world; especially for those less fortunate, and those for whom we share a personal bond. But as the saying goes, you cannot pour from an empty cup, and I built my life pouring from a cup that had long since run out of water. Life is either something you take charge of, or let it take charge of you. I let my jobs run me ragged; sacrificing health, sleep, self-respect, and time and affection from friends and family for the name of KPIs and productivity margins. I let myself be backed into difficult corners where I had to choose between being unethical and being unemployed. I burnt both ends of the candle, only to hear complaints from others as to why the room was still dark. I let myself believe that systemic failures were my personal responsibility to fix, because upper management told me so.
I let toxic people drain my happiness without preserving my own sanity. I let people whose only connection to me was blood, dictate my happiness and determine my worth regardless of action or inaction. I suffered under the crushing weight of false expectations, drilled into me at an early age and supported by the rusted scaffolding of my deteriorated mental state, with an occasional remodeling courtesy of harsh comments and judgmental reproach. I let disdain and despair wallow unabated in the darkest crevices of my psyche, flowing until my mind flooded with doubt and hatred. In a way, my cup was being refilled; not with waters of peace and love, but with rancid ichor of rancor and discord. In good conscience, I could not share that poison with the world, although to be fair it did indeed sometimes leak. But to the best of my abilities, I built a dam; damning myself to isolation and self-pity in a bitter, desperate move to protect others from my festering, putrid mindscape.
Eventually, the well does run dry. The wax melts. The leaves fall. And the life I was trying to build that whole time began to unravel; first slowly, then all at once. It took months to rebuild, and I’m still in the process, but I can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. I had to put aside some dreams for now, and actively jump into a vigorous, rigorous routine of self-care. Sometimes it looks like taking it easy, and sometimes it looks like harsh discipline; the latter only achieved through a purposeful and dedicated accountability plan that forces me to swallow my pride and rely on the generous help of others. But in this, there is grace; I have begun to learn to trust other people again. I am not alone in this world, and there are people who do truly love and care about me. And most humans may not think twice about you, might not overtly love or care about you, yes. But most humans are also not actively hateful or plotting your downfall; it’s okay to accept help from a stranger if they have the tools, the capacity, and the desire to be a shoulder you can lean on; if only for one day or one reason.
All this is to say, give it a chance. Learn to say no to what drains you, and learn to say yes to what fills you, even if it does involve some hard work. You won’t achieve everything at once; Rome was not built in a day; and recovery, like redemption, is not a single act but rather a process that takes a lifetime. Only when you stop giving your gifts endlessly and start receiving gifts from other people, will you finally be able to live in the world in the way you want and deserve to do.
Earnestly yours,
R
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